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That I would be good…

Whether with or without you…

A little more certain

So much of the last few weeks/months even have been filled with questions and uncertainty. Not knowing what the plan was or what I was going to do… made things really difficult.

And now, there is a decision made and directions to go in. And while I maybe feel relieved by a decision- I am really feeling broken. And hurt. And just dealing with a lot of pain.

I’m not sure anymore which I prefer.

Failing…..

I’m not so much getting to the gym like I wanted… Only once last week and thus far- and it’s already Wednesday- none. šŸ˜¦ And it’s now Lent. Which I usually simply tro to refocus my attentions, attend church more often, and do more for others. This time around, I am in fact trying to do more in the way of ‘giving up’ something. I have decided, oh beloved interwebs, to decrease the amount of sugar I inhale daily (limiting myself to 1 treat (a regular sized cookie or a couple of small Reese’s peanut butter cups) and no soda (which I don’t drink much of anyway, but always when I go out to dinner)) and I’m planning to limit my time in your world to an hour a day. (Not including at work because I am technically online when I do my billing for work, but that’s not the puttering around I do at home).

All of this is working towards being healthier and also trying to refocus my energies not on stupidpointless … entertaining interwebs games and facebooking timewasters communications, but instead on reading, spending more time with the Snugg-face, doing more, getting out of the house (including to the gym as I have mentioned I haven’t seen in 10 days).

Maybe I’m not really failing, but I’m not succeeding at my own goals. So here I go, adding goals…Ā  šŸ™‚

Valentine’s Day

And I will spend my day loving on this little thing…

First meeting, Tanka is 7 weeks old.

Ā 

Except that now, she isn’t so little.

Tanka Jane, 10 months.

Ā 

But she’s still my little baby. (All 60 lbs of her).

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Haiti

I finally got aroundĀ  watching the video of Ā ‘We are the World 25 -for Haiti’. And I’m impressed. As a kid who grew up seeing the first We are the World and loving every second of it- I wasn’t sure it would compare. But it’s pretty awesome. You can watch it (both original and the new 25th Anniversary for Haiti) on youtube. However, I will recommend going to iTunes and downloading the video and song and making a contribution instead, or text ‘world’ to 50555 to donate through the We Are the World 25 for Haiti organization. Or what I did first when things first happened- text Haiti to ‘90999 and donate $10 through your cell phone provider and the Red Cross.

Give. Help. Do what you can. And keep loving. It’s all about L-O-V-E. It’s all we’ve got.

Just So Uncertain

Sometimes it feels like my life has gotten out of hand, out of my hand. And I feel out of control and just plain unhappy. And it makes me spiral into a worse-r situation than before. Sometimes I catch it and I realize something needs to be done to change the chaos and discomfort and general unhappiness I’m experiencing. And then it seems drastic and as though I’ve completely changed who I am and what I am doing in my life.

I don’t feel that is what occurs, it is simply that I realize I am not where I want to be and in order to get to the place I believe I belong, I need to take a big leap. Because I have allowed myself to be so distracted and pulled in another direction, or because I have allowed myself to travel along, la-di-da, flowing with whatever is going on around me and within my life. And I am not anything like what I really am inside or what I want to be.

I am just at this moment so terribly uncertain as to what the leap will be or the direction it is going to go in, or how exactly I will get there with this leap…

Because where I am now seems a million miles from where I want to be.

So it’s February 1 and I need a new list of goals to work on- I did send my address change to HR today so that can be checked off. However, I only accomplished one thing from the 101 list and haven’t saved money or hiked a park or finished the Happiness Project book. So I’m going to try again. Anything from last month’s list thatĀ I didn’t accomplish is on this one plus a few more. I feel the need to check things off a list, so here we go… (except for the blogging every day- I feel that’s going to be too much to carry on month after month on a blog that isn’t my job. If it was, it’d be different. So that one is changing).

  • Read the Happiness Project book.
  • Hike all of Nay Aug Park three times.
  • Blog twice a week.
  • Accomplish 2 of the items on my 101 list.
  • Save $200 extra.
  • New ones for Feb.

  • Go to the gym at least twice a week.
  • Walk twice a week (and try to get Tanka Jane to go at least 4 blocks- she wears out quickly).
  • Eat healthier daily- smaller portions is a big thing for me…
  • Do one thing per week just to make myself happier- a nap, reading, getting hair cut, a massage (oooh!), etc.
  • Get involved in some new group- a knitting group, a yoga studio, something at my church.
  • Talk to my priest about my concerns with Christianity.
  • So that’s the February list. I’m going to work on it as much as I can to improve where I am at with myself. I’ll keep this posted as I can.

    Yup. Stuff I have been thinking lately and can’t get intoĀ individual coherent thoughts that areĀ long enough as posts onĀ their own, so instead I’ll post a bunch of things here to collectively create a post. (I know you’re thrilled right? Yay for you!)

    ~Facebook is both a huge time waster and something I am really thankful for- I have found some people who were my favorite friends, youth leaders, kids at some points in my life. And at some time I lost touch with them, so I love that I have been able to reconnect because of it. I spend too much time puttering on it though and I wish that I didn’t.

    ~People in PA drive like idiots. They jump the lights (meaning they want to turn left and don’t get an arrow so as soon as they see theĀ crossroad light is red they blast out and cut in front of the people who are heading in the opposite direction).Ā  I cannot for the life of me understand that. Yes, I know you will have to wait for 5 extra seconds for me to get across but… Yeah, anyway. They also cut each other off and continue driving when the light was red for several seconds- which causes problems when the other people are jumping lights but you know, they kind of all deserve it.

    ~My cousin and his wife are expecting twins- and let me just tell you- I am going to be the BEST aunt EVER! Oh yes. I will. Freakin a!

    ~I adore etsy. I have bought several things from various sellers and am very happy with everything I’ve found. There is so much cuteness, loveliness, sexiness, and all around -ness that it is just awesome! (Currently there’s a ring I am hopelessly in love with… debating it…)

    ~I haven’t been blogging daily like I wanted to, I am hopeful that my goals for next month get met (my goals from the Happiness Toolbox for Jan I started around the end of the second week, so I had shortened time… I still should have been more successful).

    ~I am due for a new phone with Verizon. I am in debate about that too. I really like my phone in many ways (thanks D) but the battery life is terrible and needs to take better pictures. So I’m looking at the EnV3, EnV Touch, Droid, and now D saw the Palm Pre Plus… Which has us both fascinated and would take some getting used to. Am going to research a bit more before I decide.

    ~For Christmas D and my brother got me a new stereo for my car. My CD player was broke and I do listen to the radio- especially the station I leave on for Tanka all day (I know I am very weird but somehow through my drive to and from work it makes me feel connected to her. So dumb I realize, she doesn’t know that it’s Queen (thumbs up) or Miley Cyrus (thumbs down) on the radio and doesn’t care at all. But I feel closer to my snuggie puppy knowing I’m hearing the same thing she is. I am ridiculous). Anyway. So having that on the way to and from work is so nice because not only does it have a new CD player in it, and I can hook up my iPod to it, BUT!! I now have Sirius in the car. And I am in love! I have found that the Coffeehouse, 80’s on 8, 90’s on 9, and the Spectrum are my favorite channels. I truly am thrilled with it because I love the music and lack of ads. Best Christmas present!

    ~Except for the fact that mom took me to NYC to see Mary Poppins last weekend and that- that was phenominal!

    ~I am going to really try to get to church tomorrow. There’s a whole mess of reasons I haven’t so much been going… And a lot of explaining involved which would be one great big long post (or five or six). And I don’t feel like it now. Suffice it to say inner struggles and I think I’m more agnostic than I would have thought…

    ~I have been exhausted lately, and I think sometimes my job is more draining than I have believed it to be. I love my job, I love the people I work with. But we’ve had a lot of… negatives/sadness lately, and it’s tough on …well all of us. I think after a few weeks of it being this way, it just wears on us. And I’m feeling it.

    And with that in mind, I’m heading to bed. Will post tomorrow and try to figure out my goals for February. And do better with them.

    Feeling icky

    Everyone at work seems to be going through or have gone through one of two illnesses… I appear to have the respiratory/my head is clogged/feel crappy but can still work version.

    Early bedtime. Blah.

    NYC 2010

    My mom and I went to see mary Poppins on Broadway yesterday. And it was amazing! Such a great show, new songs and re-written old songs. Amazing singing and great choreograpy and just about the cutest little-big theater ever! (New Amsterdam).

    Here’s a few pictures from our day

    This is in Times Square- I like the poster/enormous building covering, but I also liked that in front of it on the next (smaller) building, was a coffee cup that was steamingĀ  šŸ™‚

    Prior to the show, the main screen was down and this was the image shining on it. It says No 17 Cherry Tree Lane across the bottom, which is of course the address of the Banks family whom Mary Poppins lives with and nanny’s their children.

    I of course couldn’t take pictures during the show, but tried a few of the theater- didn’t come out so good. I always loved this movie and probably could recite it word for word. This was amazing because the show had so much the same and yet changed so much as well to fit better with the books by PL Travers. I have yet to read them but I will work on that.

    The mother, Mrs Winifred Banks was, in my opinion, the most changed character. She was very different from the movie character who is flighty and while she is smart, she plays off that she is not. I wanted to play her if there was ever a stage production that I could be in (I am not a singer with a voice that would carry for that, but my God I wish I could).

    This Mrs Banks … there is so much to love and you really feel for her. She wants to be a good mom and wife, and it’s a tough role I think for many. There’s much involved in her as a character this time that I will delve into in another post at some time once I’ve thought about it some more. Awesome!!

    We ate at Juniors (for breakfast) and Sardi’s (for snacks/dinner after the show) and we went to Madame Tussoud’s wax museum. Which honestly, I always kind of wanted to go to but at the same time thought it seemed cheesy and it turns out to be pretty cool. And took many pictures. My favorite is this one –>

    I mean really, that looks so much like Bono…

    Anyway, great trip! Will post more later.