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Miserable B*tch

I just read this quote on Brin’s page-

We must free ourselves of the hope
that the sea will ever rest.
We must learn to sail in high winds.
-Aristotle Onassis
And ohmygosh did things just suddenly make sense. I have been a super grumpy unhappy girl this week. Miserable bitch. That’s the only word for it. This week has been terrible. I saw my ex’s ex who is a big part of the reason for our demise, I nearly lost it in the middle of Target. Yup, I’m being that honest. Which is really scary to say- because I seriously wanted to go and punch this girl in the face. Tell her boyfriend what kind of person she is. And her daughters’ to know what kind of woman NOT to be. Thankfully for all involved, my brother was with me. And redirected me right out of the store. But my God that punch would have felt good. My hand would have hurt like a son-of-a… but maybe all the pent up anger would have released in that one swing. Maybe not. I don’t know. What I do know is I cried and was upset and hurt and more of the anger came rushing out of me. And I do feel better. Not great, but better.
But then the week continued- my caseload got ridiculous and stupid. I have people that I am aching for because I cannot help them. Literally- my caseload is completely ridiculous and terrible and insane. Thanks PTs.  😦  Oi. And then I ended up getting the stomach bug that’s been traveling through my department.
And while the sun has begun to shine again (literally, it rained everyday this week), and I feel better, and my patients are generally doing a little better all around, and I met with someone… I need to realize that sometimes the seas will just never calm down. They aren’t supposed to. The waves keep happening, the world keeps spinning, the sun continues to rise and set and time marches on. The question is what am I going to do about it? Sit on the boat and whine that it’s too chaotic? That the seas are too rough and I can’t handle it? Or do I accept that life is this way and figure out a way to learn to sail and survive it and enjoy it?
I think I need to figure out a way to do the latter.

Bring on the Rain

Sometimes there are no words and songs speak for me. Today it is this one.

Stolen from Terroni

Because I can’t imagine people WANT to read about how I am wallowing in self pity some days or the questions that continue to linger. So I need to note that I am thinking about something else. So here goes…

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sunday naps, sending a resident home from where I work, being able to breathe deep and tension releases.

What is your greatest fear?
Failure. And mice.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Elizabeth I. She was everything I wish I was (gracious, poised, controlled, beautiful) and everything I probably am (insecure, uncertain, awkward, determined).

Which living person do you most admire?
There are a few that it is hard for me to narrow it down to one. Kathy Rutz, Julie Martin, my mom, my stepdad.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Jealousy. Desperate fearful jealousy.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Blatant disregard for the well being of another human. I see it far too often. It is frightening.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My dog.

What is your favorite journey?
Every walk around ‘the lake’.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Patience. Because I don’t have it.

On what occasion do you lie?
When I am trying to surprise someone with a happy thing.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My skin and my hind end.

Which living person do you most despise?
It is unfortunate how much energy I have wasted on despising a particular female. Which leads me to despising myself most of all.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Um, like, and seriously.

What is your greatest regret?
Not calling Gary on August 24, 1993. Not getting to Syracuse on September 5, 1999. Leaving my grandmother alone in the hospital-despite the fact that she told me to leave- on May 24, 2000.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Sage the Jack Russell Terrier. I swear to God she was the greatest love of my life up to this point. Don’t get me wrong, I love Tanka and would be devastated if I lost her, but Sage, she was my soul mate.

(And also my Boo- B Shea).

When and where were you happiest?
I will have to think about this one. Perhaps it deserves it’s own post.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to be positive in the worst situations- and not cry. I am working on the positivity- I doubt I will ever not cry.

What is your current state of mind?
Calm.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My self esteem and inner peace. I think if I had more self esteem, I would have greater inner peace.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That I would be closer to my brother.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Sharing my life with my kiddos.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I would hope that I would come back as a dog owned by someone who loves the dog as much as I love my pup.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Oh. I didn’t read ahead. I guess I better answer the other question here- The being who’s soul is finally allowed to be connected to my bestest’s soul- be it human or not- Swans mate for life right?

What is your most treasured possession?
Aside from Tanka, who owns me, my pictures.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
The pain and anger and hurt I have felt from a relationship that shouldn’t have been.

Where would you like to live?
Somewhere where it is fall all year long. At least for one year. Or at the lake.

What is your favorite occupation?
I love what I am doing now.

What is your most marked characteristic?
My emotional response to pretty much everything in the world.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty and integrity.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Honesty and integrity.

What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty and integrity.

Who are your favorite writers?
Rosemund Pilcher and Philippa Gregory.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Penelope Keeling.

Who are your heroes in real life?
I think I named a group of people before, they are my heros. Oh, and some of my kiddos. Leah and Margaret.

What are your favorite names?
I love the name Morgan and I adore Aiden. I won’t name a child that though because EVERYONE names their kids those names anymore. I love Elizabeth too. LOVE IT.

What is it you most dislike?
Thoughtlessness and that blatent disregard for another human being.

How would you like to die?
Semi-old and quickly.

What is your motto?
Never settle.

Getting Over It…

Or not.

I don’t know that I’ll ever feel all right about moving on. I don’t know how I ever will move on. I am trying. I am trying to not think about it and just adjust to my quiet and fairly solitary existence. And I have been ok living in my little bubble- working, taking care of my dog, going about my day to day life, planting seeds, getting the car fixed, buying groceries- the normal life I would have continued to have whether or not I’d ever met him.

And it is so hard. Because we have tried to stay friends- and he was my best friend for over a year- I told him everything I ever dreamed, thought, wondered, feared, honored, loved. I was so deep in this ….And I don’t know that he ever was. We were talking or fighting once and I said something about him being my best friend and he said his brother was his… And that was like a stab to the heart. And it was true. He never fell deep for me like I did for him. He was too busy talking to his brother about everything. Too busy with his life than with ours, which was where I was. And it’s been incredibly hard for me to just lift him out of my life, to stop talking to him, to end everything… It is incredibly painful and hard for me. And I don’t know how to do it.

Just tonight I found a tick on Tanka, and I freaked out, got tweezers and was on the phone with him while I was pulling it out of/off of my dog. I was afraid of what it could mean for her- and rather than call my vet first, or my parents who’s dog runs through woods on an hourly basis, I called him. Because I don’t know how to live a day without him…

And I don’t think I’ll ever get over this.

(I know at some point somewhere down the road light will glimmer, the sun will shine, and I will be ok. But right now, I feel like I am face down in the bottom of the deepest darkest pit of hell. The song by Little Big Town was true- “Will I ever smile again, when losing love takes my best friend?”)

Quotes

What others criticise you for, cultivate: It is you.   -Jean Cocteau

Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.  -Anais Nin

Pretend that everyone you meet today has a sign hanging over their neck that says, “Make me feel important!”  -Mary Kay Ash

It is funny how words can make me rethink much of my life. I often feel I am being criticised for things that I don’t understand the why behind it. I work with a large group of other therapists and nursing staff, and there are several people who are difficult for me to work with/be around/handle. And I feel shamed for being who I am, I feel attacked at times, and I feel like everything I do is wrong by the proverbial “them”. The first 2 quotes are to remind me they are them, and I am me. And I need to focus on just me. Because I’m all I can control.

The last quote- is simply because I liked it and I need to look at my patients that way.

And those coworkers that make me feel like I am not important.

More Gratitude

Today-

I read more of my Happiness Project.

I got my front brakes fixed, rear to be completed Monday- at a garage with just about the nicest owner ever. They are picking up/returning my car at work, which means less running around for me.

I ate a delicious Krispy Kreme doughnut. And some yummy latte.

I feel contentment and peace- and I don’t know if anything is really different in my life or just my outlook today.

But whatever the reason I feel good. And I am grateful.

I’ve been reading the Happiness Project book and am on their site and everything- and two of the things she writes about are the one-sentence journal and gratitude. And yesterday, a scent came to me and with it memories of summers spent at the lake and my Aunt Marge’s house and playing water-ball, Acquire game, making salads, swimming all day long, reading in the canoe, jumps off the float… And onward it went.

And the gratitude for the day- was thankful that I had something as simple as a scent to remind me of really happy times.

🙂