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Getting Over It…

Or not.

I don’t know that I’ll ever feel all right about moving on. I don’t know how I ever will move on. I am trying. I am trying to not think about it and just adjust to my quiet and fairly solitary existence. And I have been ok living in my little bubble- working, taking care of my dog, going about my day to day life, planting seeds, getting the car fixed, buying groceries- the normal life I would have continued to have whether or not I’d ever met him.

And it is so hard. Because we have tried to stay friends- and he was my best friend for over a year- I told him everything I ever dreamed, thought, wondered, feared, honored, loved. I was so deep in this ….And I don’t know that he ever was. We were talking or fighting once and I said something about him being my best friend and he said his brother was his… And that was like a stab to the heart. And it was true. He never fell deep for me like I did for him. He was too busy talking to his brother about everything. Too busy with his life than with ours, which was where I was. And it’s been incredibly hard for me to just lift him out of my life, to stop talking to him, to end everything… It is incredibly painful and hard for me. And I don’t know how to do it.

Just tonight I found a tick on Tanka, and I freaked out, got tweezers and was on the phone with him while I was pulling it out of/off of my dog. I was afraid of what it could mean for her- and rather than call my vet first, or my parents who’s dog runs through woods on an hourly basis, I called him. Because I don’t know how to live a day without him…

And I don’t think I’ll ever get over this.

(I know at some point somewhere down the road light will glimmer, the sun will shine, and I will be ok. But right now, I feel like I am face down in the bottom of the deepest darkest pit of hell. The song by Little Big Town was true- “Will I ever smile again, when losing love takes my best friend?”)

Quotes

What others criticise you for, cultivate: It is you.   -Jean Cocteau

Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.  -Anais Nin

Pretend that everyone you meet today has a sign hanging over their neck that says, “Make me feel important!”  -Mary Kay Ash

It is funny how words can make me rethink much of my life. I often feel I am being criticised for things that I don’t understand the why behind it. I work with a large group of other therapists and nursing staff, and there are several people who are difficult for me to work with/be around/handle. And I feel shamed for being who I am, I feel attacked at times, and I feel like everything I do is wrong by the proverbial “them”. The first 2 quotes are to remind me they are them, and I am me. And I need to focus on just me. Because I’m all I can control.

The last quote- is simply because I liked it and I need to look at my patients that way.

And those coworkers that make me feel like I am not important.

More Gratitude

Today-

I read more of my Happiness Project.

I got my front brakes fixed, rear to be completed Monday- at a garage with just about the nicest owner ever. They are picking up/returning my car at work, which means less running around for me.

I ate a delicious Krispy Kreme doughnut. And some yummy latte.

I feel contentment and peace- and I don’t know if anything is really different in my life or just my outlook today.

But whatever the reason I feel good. And I am grateful.

I’ve been reading the Happiness Project book and am on their site and everything- and two of the things she writes about are the one-sentence journal and gratitude. And yesterday, a scent came to me and with it memories of summers spent at the lake and my Aunt Marge’s house and playing water-ball, Acquire game, making salads, swimming all day long, reading in the canoe, jumps off the float… And onward it went.

And the gratitude for the day- was thankful that I had something as simple as a scent to remind me of really happy times.

🙂

That left me feeling a little more than sad.

Quick backround, in case you don’t actually know me. I’m 33, I’m recently out of what I thought was going to be my forever relationship, and I am kind of a mess.

So I’m at the grocery store, in the cracker/cookie aisle. And this couple- perhaps slightly older than my parents- pass me, the woman walking in front of me says ‘excuse me’ as she walked in front of the direction I was looking, and the gentleman says hello to me. They are looking at the crackers and the wife says something about Ritz, and the husband says ‘do the kids like those?’ and they continue on their way.

And it struck me that I won’t ever have that conversation. I don’t think I’ll ever have a conversation with someone about what the kids (either my own children or my children’s children) like or don’t like. Because at the age I am now, I don’t think I’ll ever have kids. Instances of mental retardation, autism, Down’s syndrome, and various other birth defects jump dramatically when the mother turns 35. They jump again at 40. And until recently, I didn’t think I ever wanted a child. I’m only just-in the last year- thinking I’d maybe like to have a kiddo.

And now I’m almost too old. I’m almost past my child-bearing years. And I’m fussy, difficult, picky, and expecting perfection from others- I ask too much of others and I just don’t believe I’ll ever be the person who has that conversation with someone… And that made me almost more depressed than I have been in weeks about this breakup.

My 101 List

I’ve been slacking on that list pretty severely, and it annoys me. I started it because there were goals I had that were somewhat long term or bigger endeavors that I felt I needed time to prepare/save/plan for and giving myself 1001 days to accomplish them would be a good time span. I still have about a year and a half left. I think. And I have quite a few things left on my list. Which means I should get going and do a bunch of those things…

I also have been doing pretty good at watching a new to me movie every week, I haven’t always posted that on the list though. And last month… messed me up a bit. And I got way off track. Because I had begun a new project- that of the Happiness variety-  and I overloaded myself with ‘things to do’ ….And now, I feel overwhelmed. I need a break from the lists. So I’ve taken a break- and now, I need to think about starting again. Maybe what I needed to do was give myself a shorter list. Do a list of maybe 25 things-big and small, to accomplish each year. I’m not sure. 101 in 1001 seems like a possibility…

And I’m rambling quite a bit now. Thinking out loud as it were… (I am not following MckMama and doing a stream of consciousness- Scott and I were writing 10 second thoughts years ago, she copied us 😛  !!)  And so now I’m trying to figure out the next steps. But it’s a little harder to figure out when I feel like the rug has been ripped away and my life is not going in the direction I thought I was headed in.

I guess at this point all I can say is stay tuned for what I’m going to do next. Because I’m not even sure…

I am on facebook. I am on it a lot. Probably and possibly too much. But I am grateful for it. For reconnecting with lost friends, for becoming friends with people I was acquainted with but not really friends with who I now couldn’t imagine not being friends with, and for some of the applications. One of which is entitled ‘Message from God’. And every day, I get a message from some people somewhere who have written messages that are uplifting and helpful. Almost all the time. Seriously.

Today’s message said this

… that today is a whole day for you to do good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a whole day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; and in its place will be something that you had left behind… let it be something good.
Which is just… the most perfect message and exactly what I needed to hear. Because while I have been upset and hurt and struggling daily for weeks now, I have been almost wasting days. Letting days pass me -sunshine or rain filled, but each day is unique, it is the only day we have at each moment in our lives. And I’ve been frustrated and unhappy and letting each individual day just drift pass me.
And I think that this message from God was exactly what I needed to hear toay. Or read. Same thing.   🙂

Yes Man

I finished watching this movie tonight… It was the movie we’d been watching the night that everything blew up within my life. That night, things had been going pretty good… but then… it all fell apart and my little world was blown to smitherenes. (I have no idea how to even spell that).

So I watched the rest of it this evening. By myself. With my puppy snoring nearby. And his little world kinda did the same thing near the point where I’d stop watching. And I don’t know that there’s really any correlation- maybe there isn’t any correlation to anything at any point in time. Possibly not. I don’t think I know much of anything lately.

Anyway. What I was going to say is that there’s definitely something about this movie that makes me think- I need to take a lesson from him. I need to look for opportunities. I need to read more. Learn more. Do more. And say yes to things. Not when I don’t want to of course, but more often than maybe I have been. He learns Korean, learns to fly, meets all kinds of interesting people. He gets promoted, he makes the bank he works for lots of money, he takes trips at a moment’s notice. Now obviously, I can’t take off for a week for a cruise (as one of my friends suggested), and I won’t be making my place of employment any more money because that’s not really possible where I work. But I could go away for a weekend, find a dog friendly town and take Tanka away. I could join a knitting group. I could start taking sign language classes.

And maybe the next time I fall in love won’t go the way this went. Maybe I will realize I am enough for someone. And that I am enough for me.

Wow.

I read a bunch of blogs, they’re over there to the right. I recommend them to you. One of the people I read is Sara and she wrote a post entitled Unrequited.  In it was this picture-

And wow. Did I just get knocked on my rear and need to sit down and write something right now. This- oh my gosh. There is forgiveness that needs to happen in my life. And right now, I’m struggling with it, and I don’t know that I can do it right this minute. But I have to get past my anger, get past the hurt, and give up the possibility of a better past. What happened, happened. Life is not easy, it is not sunshine and rainbows and fairy dust and happiness every minute. It’s never been meant to be that way. Our emotions- up and down, good, bad, happy, anger, frustration, delight, sadness- are how we know we are alive and are living fully. The problems come when we hold onto emotions and allow them to rule us. Our emotions- sometimes they are liars to what reality is, and they can run our lives if we let them. And with me, I tend to rely heavily on the emotions and they control my response to things….

But somehow that phrase, I think it’s going to stick with me pretty good for a while. I am working to be just love- a year and sometime ago I posted about being reduced to love- being only love for the people I meet. I don’t know how or if I am doing well at that- but I am trying. And that means loving each moment… and letting go of how I’m feeling, accepting what is, and working with the hand I have been dealt and the decisions I have made.

I need to forgive. Not just someone else, but myself. Give up the possibility of a better past, and simply work toward a better future- because that is what can be changed and affected by my actions and decisions and choices.

*sigh*

Settling and Moving On…

I’m not one to settle, to accept that things should continue at a “less than” state. To allow myself to accept that this is all there is- in terms of a relationship, my classes, my understanding, my comfort, my life. There is an article I read (here) about the mistakes we make as women, particularly single women. I agree with it, and I don’t. I know we all have our things that we don’t think are annoying and difficult, but I also believe we are entitled to be happy. Not 24/7, not every single minute of the day, but we have the right to be happy. To find happiness and enjoy our lives. To allow ourselves, not just women but everyone, to live life unhappy and “settled” is not a good thing.

The part that hit me hardest was about looking for more/better/greener grass/etc. I tend to live waiting for the shoe to drop all the time, and that has made me be on the lookout for something else frequently. I keep looking for the shoes that are just right, the jeans that fit and make me look slimmer, the exact right color of orange… etc etc. I have spent a lot of my life looking for more.

There is happiness and goodness to be found in all situations. There is something good that can come from even the worst of situations- though it may take years to find the good that is related. I believe that fully. I also believe that there is something to be said for moving on. I rarely settle in life- even though it may appear I am for a period of time. I can’t abide living in unhappiness, stressful, painful, difficult situations for long.

What I have realized is how much I cannot change my situation if I am relying on someone else to change. And so, moving on is sometimes the option that is best. Which will be unhappy, stressful, painful, and difficult for a while.  But good can from everything.