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It’s been FOREVER since I posted. I just updated a post from April of 2 yrs ago. Much of it is true now. Still.
But to update my life a bit here, I’m living in a place I refer to as purgatory, which being one level above hell tells you something. I am feeling uncontent, …discontented with my life. I want out of it. And I’m trying to figure ways of doing so. Meaning I am trying to change just about every aspect of my current life. Residence. ‘Aquaintances’. …all of it. Uncontent may not be a real word but it feels like that describes more of what’s happening than the word discontent.
Music suggestions to help with change accepted. As well as other suggestions. I’ll take any help sent this way.

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It’s likely that the stars aligned for this to be this week, but the sadness I’ve been feeling has been incredible. And overwhelming. And has brought me to the point of wanting to give up….
I work in a skilled nursing facility. I work with many who are elderly and ill. And there is a moment with people who are at the end of their lives where you can see someone has given up. The time when someone just doesn’t feel the inner strength to continue trying. Unable to even open their eyes or lift a hand.
17 years ago August 25 was the day I lost one of my best friends to suicide. 10 years ago September 5 was the day I lost my favorite aunt to cancer. You could say this time of year is painful for me and I struggle more… But to call this life I’m living ‘struggling’ is an enormous understatement.
I am feeling almost at that point to just give up. To let myself go.
It is painful to function some moments.

I finally went to a doctor this week. I wish I had weeks ago. She was so understanding and listened to me. And while I am not someone who likes to take medication, and I don’t want to have to be on anything at all. I think however it is time for me to do something other than what I am doing, because what I have been doing, hasn’t been working. I’ve tried to keep going, but I have been more than ready to give up. And it’s terrifying. I lived through someone else’s suicide, it is incredibly painful. I don’t want to do that to anyone else, and yet my own ability to continue has been gone.

There is no official video for this song, which is unfortunate. However, this song fits me so very well right now. So here it is, Sarah McLachlan, Full of Grace.

I keep going, but my God I never thought I could feel so low. Just one day at a time….

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Opinions?

I’m not sure what to title this as I write at this moment. Probably because I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore with my life. I feel so …torn? Anxious? Uncertain? ….I don’t know. Maybe by the end I’ll have a title and then it will make sense as you read why it is whatever it is.

I am still living in the apartment D and I were in together. I love this place. The hardwood floors, the dark doors, the open porch/living room/dining room, the fact that I have a washer/dryer in the basement, the dead-end street the house is on, my landlord and his wife and their noisy dog, the fact that I can walk Tanka at all hours and not worry. I am in a safe, quiet, peaceful area that I really love.

I am still working at the job I moved to this area for. I love my coworkers, especially my ‘sister’ Rachel and Laura, Patricia, Chris, the Reina/Raynas, Jen, Katie, Bridget, … everyone. It is so wonderful to work with a group of women (!! More on that some other time) who truly believe in patient care in the same way I do. That they come first, that the people we are treating are the most important people during our 8.5 hours there, that they are priceless human beings who deserve our all.

I love my patients. I can’t say that without tears- I sent home a fella yesterday who is just precious and sweet and wonderful. And they are all just a joy to work with- the lady who used to count her exercises out loud “28, 29, 30, and pause”. The fact that someone with a tumor who needed 2 people to use every muscle just to help him stand is now walking. The lady who sings while pedalling the Nustep. A stroke patient going home, walking, climbing stairs, standing unassisted…. My God I’m surrounded by miracles. 🙂

So. You’re wondering what I’m sharing all this for I bet. And here it is. I am spending way more than I can really afford to keep living where I do making what I do at the job I have. Simple solution right?- find a new place. Well. I have a dog. And finding a place that’s affordable and not a half an hour or more away (and that doesn’t have stairs steeper than a ladder) is incredibly difficult. IN. CRED. IBLY. And keep in mind, I love where I live. I just don’t make enough to keep living here. So… Find a new job? Except I love my job- coworkers and patients.

And then. There’s this….. This thing I can’t quite name but it’s an underlying need to have change in my life, no matter how much it scares me. To be somewhere else, learn something else, see someplace else, meet someones else. Do something just a little different.

Yeah. I’m thinking about traveling therapy. I’ve contacted some places and am talking to them. And thinking about it more. But I’m so unsure… because I love where I live, and I love my job, I love my coworkers and patients… you get the idea. It’s like a weird cycle- and I don’t know what to do.

I started reading ‘eat, pray, love’ last night. I know, I’m leagues behind everyone in reading this. I was too busy reading about my Elizabeth I. Sorry. Anyway, in it she talks about her moment on the bathroom floor praying ‘tell me what to do’ over and over. Until her wise voice inside told her to go to bed. …Which sounds odd written that way, but that’s the gist for that one other person who hasn’t read it yet. I keep waiting for my wiser-self to speak up and tell me what to do now.

I just keep feeling torn, conflicted, ….ready to go and at the same time terrified of the idea of packing Tanka and I into my car and moving every 3 months.

I know my readers are few, some don’t have me even on their blog roll (lol)… but if anyone has any thoughts, ideas, opinions – I’m looking for wisdom. I will accept all opinions and advice and perhaps follow some of it.

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If I Were A Boy

I actually am not a Beyonce fan, I haven’t cared much for her music or her style. This song however spoke to me. And while I know it isn’t true of all guys, it’s been true enough in my life that I wish more guys could walk a day in my shoes, and see how their actions degrade, minimalize, short change, and hurt women like me.

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Dear Kelly

I wish I had gotten to know you better. Maybe we all should have moved to Charlotte together and life would be very different now. Maybe Megan was right and we both, you and I, and Deron too, should have listened and left our lives in our other homes and moved there and spent many hours laughing and joyful and together. And then maybe all this would be different than the life Deron and I are now living, and the life you have now lost.

I wish I had taken the time to know you better… Because if nothing else, I believe we were cut from the same cloth. I believe I understand you in ways that I am guessing many people do not.

The last few months for me too, have been so hopeless. So sad. So lost. I have lived in the same darkness I believe you were in, and I understand wanting to be free from it. I see you as courageous for abandoning the darkness in the hope of something better. To be free of the sadness that plagues and that darkness that owns. It is a desperate kind of life, living in that sadness… I have gone days where truly the only good thing in my life has been my dog. My work. My patients. I see no hope for a better life for myself. Finances weighing me down. No way out. Sadness over all the failed relationships. Anxiety because I see such failure…

If we had known each other better, if we’d had more time, maybe we would have been there for each other and we could have given each other strength. Maybe we could have come through the darkness together. Maybe you would still be here and I would not be walking this path alone. We didn’t even know we were on it together. I am sorry I didn’t see you beside me. I am sorry you are not there now. I am sorry to have lost a kin, someone from my clan.

Love to you,

Kate

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I was reading Sara’s page and she posted about the Dalai Lama again– that he was in her town and speaking and she was wishing she could go to hear him speak. And she wrote about the responses she got from people. And there were people who were concerned that she wanted to go to listen to a man who wasn’t a Christian speak. People were concerned about her admiration for a man who isn’t a Christian.

And I am sorry Sara, I don’t mean to be rude to your readers or friends or the people who harbor this opinion, but I cannot wrap my head around that. Seriously, we shouldn’t have admiration for any person outside of the Christian realm? Dear God.

I guess I thought people were generally more open minded than to think that someone who is of another faith is somehow less than ones of the same faith as myself.

And what surprises me more is that I am currently surprised by this because I went to a tiny Christian college where someone who was *gasp* Catholic or worse yet, Episcopal or Lutheran (omg!omg!omg!!!) was less than a protestant who knew the day they were ‘saved’ and looked down at Catholic/Episcopal/Lutheran liturgy and found it to be silly and ancient and sad. Yup. My friend Patrick and I actually left a class and complained to the chair of our Religion and Humanities Department because a professor not only allowed a class of students to put down the Catholic faith, but contributed to the conversation. It happens. And so I shouldn’t be shocked that people do not see others’ faiths as having value.

But for some reason I am surprised. And saddened.

(Perhaps it is because I am having week 2 of miserable-ness, I’m not sure).

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I started reading Positively Present recently. And the most recent post had a link back to this one.

And I don’t know that there’s more to be said- Just read it. I can’t stop myself from wondering or working toward something else. I should keep doing that. But it doesn’t mean it should be the only thing- I should be reveling in what is. The last week has been hell for me. And I couldn’t wait for the weekend. And with relief, I am feeling better today than I have in 6 days. And reading this, I realized I need to just be grateful for what I have in this life. A home, a warm puppy, a job, family and friends. Being grateful for this little sip of life is what I need to be doing.

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