It’s likely that the stars aligned for this to be this week, but the sadness I’ve been feeling has been incredible. And overwhelming. And has brought me to the point of wanting to give up….
I work in a skilled nursing facility. I work with many who are elderly and ill. And there is a moment with people who are at the end of their lives where you can see someone has given up. The time when someone just doesn’t feel the inner strength to continue trying. Unable to even open their eyes or lift a hand.
17 years ago August 25 was the day I lost one of my best friends to suicide. 10 years ago September 5 was the day I lost my favorite aunt to cancer. You could say this time of year is painful for me and I struggle more… But to call this life I’m living ‘struggling’ is an enormous understatement.
I am feeling almost at that point to just give up. To let myself go.
It is painful to function some moments.
I finally went to a doctor this week. I wish I had weeks ago. She was so understanding and listened to me. And while I am not someone who likes to take medication, and I don’t want to have to be on anything at all. I think however it is time for me to do something other than what I am doing, because what I have been doing, hasn’t been working. I’ve tried to keep going, but I have been more than ready to give up. And it’s terrifying. I lived through someone else’s suicide, it is incredibly painful. I don’t want to do that to anyone else, and yet my own ability to continue has been gone.
There is no official video for this song, which is unfortunate. However, this song fits me so very well right now. So here it is, Sarah McLachlan, Full of Grace.
I keep going, but my God I never thought I could feel so low. Just one day at a time….
Please don’t “give up!!” Some day all of these feelings will be only a memory, and you will have learned that in order to be happy you will have given up some of the things you now think so important but will have gained so much more. Your writing is one way you are now working through your feelings. That’s important!! I used to write a journal and told it all of the low and sad feelings about my life. Then I found a life I love and no longer needed to write in my journal. Now I look back at the entries I wrote and realize that the feelings were authentic but not everlasting. Ups and downs are normal. Just look for the beauty and the true relationships!