I’m not sure what to title this as I write at this moment. Probably because I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore with my life. I feel so …torn? Anxious? Uncertain? ….I don’t know. Maybe by the end I’ll have a title and then it will make sense as you read why it is whatever it is.
I am still living in the apartment D and I were in together. I love this place. The hardwood floors, the dark doors, the open porch/living room/dining room, the fact that I have a washer/dryer in the basement, the dead-end street the house is on, my landlord and his wife and their noisy dog, the fact that I can walk Tanka at all hours and not worry. I am in a safe, quiet, peaceful area that I really love.
I am still working at the job I moved to this area for. I love my coworkers, especially my ‘sister’ Rachel and Laura, Patricia, Chris, the Reina/Raynas, Jen, Katie, Bridget, … everyone. It is so wonderful to work with a group of women (!! More on that some other time) who truly believe in patient care in the same way I do. That they come first, that the people we are treating are the most important people during our 8.5 hours there, that they are priceless human beings who deserve our all.
I love my patients. I can’t say that without tears- I sent home a fella yesterday who is just precious and sweet and wonderful. And they are all just a joy to work with- the lady who used to count her exercises out loud “28, 29, 30, and pause”. The fact that someone with a tumor who needed 2 people to use every muscle just to help him stand is now walking. The lady who sings while pedalling the Nustep. A stroke patient going home, walking, climbing stairs, standing unassisted…. My God I’m surrounded by miracles. 
So. You’re wondering what I’m sharing all this for I bet. And here it is. I am spending way more than I can really afford to keep living where I do making what I do at the job I have. Simple solution right?- find a new place. Well. I have a dog. And finding a place that’s affordable and not a half an hour or more away (and that doesn’t have stairs steeper than a ladder) is incredibly difficult. IN. CRED. IBLY. And keep in mind, I love where I live. I just don’t make enough to keep living here. So… Find a new job? Except I love my job- coworkers and patients.
And then. There’s this….. This thing I can’t quite name but it’s an underlying need to have change in my life, no matter how much it scares me. To be somewhere else, learn something else, see someplace else, meet someones else. Do something just a little different.
Yeah. I’m thinking about traveling therapy. I’ve contacted some places and am talking to them. And thinking about it more. But I’m so unsure… because I love where I live, and I love my job, I love my coworkers and patients… you get the idea. It’s like a weird cycle- and I don’t know what to do.
I started reading ‘eat, pray, love’ last night. I know, I’m leagues behind everyone in reading this. I was too busy reading about my Elizabeth I. Sorry. Anyway, in it she talks about her moment on the bathroom floor praying ‘tell me what to do’ over and over. Until her wise voice inside told her to go to bed. …Which sounds odd written that way, but that’s the gist for that one other person who hasn’t read it yet. I keep waiting for my wiser-self to speak up and tell me what to do now.
I just keep feeling torn, conflicted, ….ready to go and at the same time terrified of the idea of packing Tanka and I into my car and moving every 3 months.
I know my readers are few, some don’t have me even on their blog roll (lol)… but if anyone has any thoughts, ideas, opinions – I’m looking for wisdom. I will accept all opinions and advice and perhaps follow some of it.
