National Suicide Prevention Week

It’s likely that the stars aligned for this to be this week, but the sadness I’ve been feeling has been incredible. And overwhelming. And has brought me to the point of wanting to give up….
I work in a skilled nursing facility. I work with many who are elderly and ill. And there is a moment with people who are at the end of their lives where you can see someone has given up. The time when someone just doesn’t feel the inner strength to continue trying. Unable to even open their eyes or lift a hand.
17 years ago August 25 was the day I lost one of my best friends to suicide. 10 years ago September 5 was the day I lost my favorite aunt to cancer. You could say this time of year is painful for me and I struggle more… But to call this life I’m living ‘struggling’ is an enormous understatement.
I am feeling almost at that point to just give up. To let myself go.
It is painful to function some moments.

I finally went to a doctor this week. I wish I had weeks ago. She was so understanding and listened to me. And while I am not someone who likes to take medication, and I don’t want to have to be on anything at all. I think however it is time for me to do something other than what I am doing, because what I have been doing, hasn’t been working. I’ve tried to keep going, but I have been more than ready to give up. And it’s terrifying. I lived through someone else’s suicide, it is incredibly painful. I don’t want to do that to anyone else, and yet my own ability to continue has been gone.

There is no official video for this song, which is unfortunate. However, this song fits me so very well right now. So here it is, Sarah McLachlan, Full of Grace.

I keep going, but my God I never thought I could feel so low. Just one day at a time….

Opinions?

I’m not sure what to title this as I write at this moment. Probably because I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore with my life. I feel so …torn? Anxious? Uncertain? ….I don’t know. Maybe by the end I’ll have a title and then it will make sense as you read why it is whatever it is.

I am still living in the apartment D and I were in together. I love this place. The hardwood floors, the dark doors, the open porch/living room/dining room, the fact that I have a washer/dryer in the basement, the dead-end street the house is on, my landlord and his wife and their noisy dog, the fact that I can walk Tanka at all hours and not worry. I am in a safe, quiet, peaceful area that I really love.

I am still working at the job I moved to this area for. I love my coworkers, especially my ‘sister’ Rachel and Laura, Patricia, Chris, the Reina/Raynas, Jen, Katie, Bridget, … everyone. It is so wonderful to work with a group of women (!! More on that some other time) who truly believe in patient care in the same way I do. That they come first, that the people we are treating are the most important people during our 8.5 hours there, that they are priceless human beings who deserve our all.

I love my patients. I can’t say that without tears- I sent home a fella yesterday who is just precious and sweet and wonderful. And they are all just a joy to work with- the lady who used to count her exercises out loud “28, 29, 30, and pause”. The fact that someone with a tumor who needed 2 people to use every muscle just to help him stand is now walking. The lady who sings while pedalling the Nustep. A stroke patient going home, walking, climbing stairs, standing unassisted…. My God I’m surrounded by miracles.

So. You’re wondering what I’m sharing all this for I bet. And here it is. I am spending way more than I can really afford to keep living where I do making what I do at the job I have. Simple solution right?- find a new place. Well. I have a dog. And finding a place that’s affordable and not a half an hour or more away (and that doesn’t have stairs steeper than a ladder) is incredibly difficult. IN. CRED. IBLY. And keep in mind, I love where I live. I just don’t make enough to keep living here. So… Find a new job? Except I love my job- coworkers and patients.

And then. There’s this….. This thing I can’t quite name but it’s an underlying need to have change in my life, no matter how much it scares me. To be somewhere else, learn something else, see someplace else, meet someones else. Do something just a little different.

Yeah. I’m thinking about traveling therapy. I’ve contacted some places and am talking to them. And thinking about it more. But I’m so unsure… because I love where I live, and I love my job, I love my coworkers and patients… you get the idea. It’s like a weird cycle- and I don’t know what to do.

I started reading ‘eat, pray, love’ last night. I know, I’m leagues behind everyone in reading this. I was too busy reading about my Elizabeth I. Sorry. Anyway, in it she talks about her moment on the bathroom floor praying ‘tell me what to do’ over and over. Until her wise voice inside told her to go to bed. …Which sounds odd written that way, but that’s the gist for that one other person who hasn’t read it yet. I keep waiting for my wiser-self to speak up and tell me what to do now.

I just keep feeling torn, conflicted, ….ready to go and at the same time terrified of the idea of packing Tanka and I into my car and moving every 3 months.

I know my readers are few, some don’t have me even on their blog roll (lol)… but if anyone has any thoughts, ideas, opinions – I’m looking for wisdom. I will accept all opinions and advice and perhaps follow some of it.

If I Were A Boy

I actually am not a Beyonce fan, I haven’t cared much for her music or her style. This song however spoke to me. And while I know it isn’t true of all guys, it’s been true enough in my life that I wish more guys could walk a day in my shoes, and see how their actions degrade, minimalize, short change, and hurt women like me.

Dear Kelly

I wish I had gotten to know you better. Maybe we all should have moved to Charlotte together and life would be very different now. Maybe Megan was right and we both, you and I, and Deron too, should have listened and left our lives in our other homes and moved there and spent many hours laughing and joyful and together. And then maybe all this would be different than the life Deron and I are now living, and the life you have now lost.

I wish I had taken the time to know you better… Because if nothing else, I believe we were cut from the same cloth. I believe I understand you in ways that I am guessing many people do not.

The last few months for me too, have been so hopeless. So sad. So lost. I have lived in the same darkness I believe you were in, and I understand wanting to be free from it. I see you as courageous for abandoning the darkness in the hope of something better. To be free of the sadness that plagues and that darkness that owns. It is a desperate kind of life, living in that sadness… I have gone days where truly the only good thing in my life has been my dog. My work. My patients. I see no hope for a better life for myself. Finances weighing me down. No way out. Sadness over all the failed relationships. Anxiety because I see such failure…

If we had known each other better, if we’d had more time, maybe we would have been there for each other and we could have given each other strength. Maybe we could have come through the darkness together. Maybe you would still be here and I would not be walking this path alone. We didn’t even know we were on it together. I am sorry I didn’t see you beside me. I am sorry you are not there now. I am sorry to have lost a kin, someone from my clan.

Love to you,

Kate

Sometimes I am Amazed

I was reading Sara’s page and she posted about the Dalai Lama again- that he was in her town and speaking and she was wishing she could go to hear him speak. And she wrote about the responses she got from people. And there were people who were concerned that she wanted to go to listen to a man who wasn’t a Christian speak. People were concerned about her admiration for a man who isn’t a Christian.

And I am sorry Sara, I don’t mean to be rude to your readers or friends or the people who harbor this opinion, but I cannot wrap my head around that. Seriously, we shouldn’t have admiration for any person outside of the Christian realm? Dear God.

I guess I thought people were generally more open minded than to think that someone who is of another faith is somehow less than ones of the same faith as myself.

And what surprises me more is that I am currently surprised by this because I went to a tiny Christian college where someone who was *gasp* Catholic or worse yet, Episcopal or Lutheran (omg!omg!omg!!!) was less than a protestant who knew the day they were ‘saved’ and looked down at Catholic/Episcopal/Lutheran liturgy and found it to be silly and ancient and sad. Yup. My friend Patrick and I actually left a class and complained to the chair of our Religion and Humanities Department because a professor not only allowed a class of students to put down the Catholic faith, but contributed to the conversation. It happens. And so I shouldn’t be shocked that people do not see others’ faiths as having value.

But for some reason I am surprised. And saddened.

(Perhaps it is because I am having week 2 of miserable-ness, I’m not sure).

Was I Just Smacked in the Face or What?

I started reading Positively Present recently. And the most recent post had a link back to this one.

And I don’t know that there’s more to be said- Just read it. I can’t stop myself from wondering or working toward something else. I should keep doing that. But it doesn’t mean it should be the only thing- I should be reveling in what is. The last week has been hell for me. And I couldn’t wait for the weekend. And with relief, I am feeling better today than I have in 6 days. And reading this, I realized I need to just be grateful for what I have in this life. A home, a warm puppy, a job, family and friends. Being grateful for this little sip of life is what I need to be doing.

Miserable B*tch

I just read this quote on Brin’s page-

We must free ourselves of the hope

that the sea will ever rest.

We must learn to sail in high winds.

-Aristotle Onassis

And ohmygosh did things just suddenly make sense. I have been a super grumpy unhappy girl this week. Miserable bitch. That’s the only word for it. This week has been terrible. I saw my ex’s ex who is a big part of the reason for our demise, I nearly lost it in the middle of Target. Yup, I’m being that honest. Which is really scary to say- because I seriously wanted to go and punch this girl in the face. Tell her boyfriend what kind of person she is. And her daughters’ to know what kind of woman NOT to be. Thankfully for all involved, my brother was with me. And redirected me right out of the store. But my God that punch would have felt good. My hand would have hurt like a son-of-a… but maybe all the pent up anger would have released in that one swing. Maybe not. I don’t know. What I do know is I cried and was upset and hurt and more of the anger came rushing out of me. And I do feel better. Not great, but better.

But then the week continued- my caseload got ridiculous and stupid. I have people that I am aching for because I cannot help them. Literally- my caseload is completely ridiculous and terrible and insane. Thanks PTs.    Oi. And then I ended up getting the stomach bug that’s been traveling through my department.

And while the sun has begun to shine again (literally, it rained everyday this week), and I feel better, and my patients are generally doing a little better all around, and I met with someone… I need to realize that sometimes the seas will just never calm down. They aren’t supposed to. The waves keep happening, the world keeps spinning, the sun continues to rise and set and time marches on. The question is what am I going to do about it? Sit on the boat and whine that it’s too chaotic? That the seas are too rough and I can’t handle it? Or do I accept that life is this way and figure out a way to learn to sail and survive it and enjoy it?

I think I need to figure out a way to do the latter.

Bring on the Rain

Sometimes there are no words and songs speak for me. Today it is this one.

Stolen from Terroni

Because I can’t imagine people WANT to read about how I am wallowing in self pity some days or the questions that continue to linger. So I need to note that I am thinking about something else. So here goes…

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Sunday naps, sending a resident home from where I work, being able to breathe deep and tension releases.

What is your greatest fear?
Failure. And mice.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Elizabeth I. She was everything I wish I was (gracious, poised, controlled, beautiful) and everything I probably am (insecure, uncertain, awkward, determined).

Which living person do you most admire?
There are a few that it is hard for me to narrow it down to one. Kathy Rutz, Julie Martin, my mom, my stepdad.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Jealousy. Desperate fearful jealousy.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Blatant disregard for the well being of another human. I see it far too often. It is frightening.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My dog.

What is your favorite journey?
Every walk around ‘the lake’.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Patience. Because I don’t have it.

On what occasion do you lie?
When I am trying to surprise someone with a happy thing.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My skin and my hind end.

Which living person do you most despise?
It is unfortunate how much energy I have wasted on despising a particular female. Which leads me to despising myself most of all.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Um, like, and seriously.

What is your greatest regret?
Not calling Gary on August 24, 1993.  Not getting to Syracuse on September 5, 1999. Leaving my grandmother alone in the hospital-despite the fact that she told me to leave- on May 24, 2000.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Sage the Jack Russell Terrier. I swear to God she was the greatest love of my life up to this point. Don’t get me wrong, I love Tanka and would be devastated if I lost her, but Sage, she was my soul mate.

(And also my Boo- B Shea).

When and where were you happiest?
I will have to think about this one. Perhaps it deserves it’s own post.

Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to be positive in the worst situations- and not cry. I am working on the positivity- I doubt I will ever not cry.

What is your current state of mind?
Calm.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My self esteem and inner peace. I think if I had more self esteem, I would have greater inner peace.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
That I would be closer to my brother.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Sharing my life with my kiddos.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I would hope that I would come back as a dog owned by someone who loves the dog as much as I love my pup.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Oh. I didn’t read ahead. I guess I better answer the other question here- The being who’s soul is finally allowed to be connected to my bestest’s soul- be it human or not- Swans mate for life right?

What is your most treasured possession?
Aside from Tanka, who owns me, my pictures.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
The pain and anger and hurt I have felt from a relationship that shouldn’t have been.

Where would you like to live?
Somewhere where it is fall all year long. At least for one year. Or at the lake.

What is your favorite occupation?
I love what I am doing now.
What is your most marked characteristic?
My emotional response to pretty much everything in the world.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Honesty and integrity.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Honesty and integrity.

What do you most value in your friends?
Honesty and integrity.

Who are your favorite writers?
Rosemund Pilcher and Philippa Gregory.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Penelope Keeling.

Who are your heroes in real life?
I think I named a group of people before, they are my heros. Oh, and some of my kiddos. Leah and Margaret.

What are your favorite names?
I love the name Morgan and I adore Aiden. I won’t name a child that though because EVERYONE names their kids those names anymore. I love Elizabeth too. LOVE IT.

What is it you most dislike?
Thoughtlessness and that blatent disregard for another human being.

How would you like to die?
Semi-old and quickly.

What is your motto?
Never settle.

Getting Over It…

Or not.

I don’t know that I’ll ever feel all right about moving on. I don’t know how I ever will move on. I am trying. I am trying to not think about it and just adjust to my quiet and fairly solitary existence. And I have been ok living in my little bubble- working, taking care of my dog, going about my day to day life, planting seeds, getting the car fixed, buying groceries- the normal life I would have continued to have whether or not I’d ever met him.

And it is so hard. Because we have tried to stay friends- and he was my best friend for over a year- I told him everything I ever dreamed, thought, wondered, feared, honored, loved. I was so deep in this ….And I don’t know that he ever was. We were talking or fighting once and I said something about him being my best friend and he said his brother was his… And that was like a stab to the heart. And it was true. He never fell deep for me like I did for him. He was too busy talking to his brother about everything. Too busy with his life than with ours, which was where I was. And it’s been incredibly hard for me to just lift him out of my life, to stop talking to him, to end everything… It is incredibly painful and hard for me. And I don’t know how to do it.

Just tonight I found a tick on Tanka, and I freaked out, got tweezers and was on the phone with him while I was pulling it out of/off of my dog. I was afraid of what it could mean for her- and rather than call my vet first, or my parents who’s dog runs through woods on an hourly basis, I called him. Because I don’t know how to live a day without him…

And I don’t think I’ll ever get over this.

(I know at some point somewhere down the road light will glimmer, the sun will shine, and I will be ok. But right now, I feel like I am face down in the bottom of the deepest darkest pit of hell. The song by Little Big Town was true- “Will I ever smile again, when losing love takes my best friend?”)